Seva Hester

Editor-in-Chief

It’s a normal day in class. Everyone sat at their computers, working on whatever they needed to do. You think it’s a good day. Until you get papers back from some of your peers. Reading through them, you think about trashy they are. If only there was a way you could express your hatred without it being too obvious. Now, there is. Here’s our “how-to” guide, courtesy of the editors, on how to discreetly hate your staff or group members.

  First off, you need to establish authority. Let them know you’re the boss. Nothing can escape past you because you have the all seeing eye of power in your grasp. Also subtweet them. Don’t @ them. Let them figure out what they did wrong. Or even if they’ve done anything wrong at all. Who knows? This also ties in with being passive-aggressive. Subtweeting is the epitome of passive-aggressive behavior.

  Another thing you can do is use your outside voice when talking trash about them. When the silence is loud, make your trash talking louder. They turn in a bad rough draft? Talk about how bad it is so they can hear you from across the room. Don’t be scared of repercussions, you’re a leader. You’re the captain now which means no consequences for your actions. So, continue to talk trash. It works wonders.

  Frustrated with your staff’s lack of quality work? Be extremely aggressive. Spray them with water any time they do something wrong. Unplug their computer if they’re working on other classwork outside of the current class. Who cares if it saves? It’s not your gpa that’s getting ruined. #sorrynotsorry

  Furthermore, leave the undesirable story ideas to them. They are the peasants and you are royalty. They don’t have a say when it comes to what stories they can or can not choose. Again, you are the authority figure. You have the say in everything. They mean nothing to you. Or at least, they shouldn’t. If they don’t have the undesirable stories, then who will do them? Nobody, that’s who.

  In addition, don’t listen to your staffer’s ideas. You know what’s best for the staff, not them. And, if they have a good idea, just steal it for yourself and take all the credit. No harm, no foul. It’s how the real world works after all, right? You’re just preparing them for what they will be exposed to later on in life. You can thank me later.

Disclaimer: This isn’t really real. It’s a joke, so don’t get upset over it. As editors, we love our staff and wouldn’t do anything to hurt them. That’s just too much paperwork and parent phone calls we’d like to avoid.

THIS STORY IS A PART OF OUR APRIL FOOLS ISSUE